When I thought a while ago that it's good to take "a footstep" every now and then, I probably didn't know what I was getting into. I thought you could make a story out of just about every footstep, but that's disappointing. Then you would get a lot of repetitions, often perhaps inflated stories and above all it is probably a lot about yourself, like 'Look at me'. Or you have to turn every footstep into a 'spiritual story' and that doesn't seem right to me either.
I have to say that life after starting the treatments has changed a lot and is more radical than I thought.
To start with, the schedule you end up in: an infusion every three weeks on Tuesday and the associated carousel of doctor's visit, nurse, blood tests and CT scan. Fortunately, the hospital is nearby. But your daily routine also changes. You spend more time on personal grooming and figuring out the best way to do things. Eat other things. Find out what is healthy given the situation and what you should not take. Also fiddling with all kinds of medicines. A remedy for nausea; but you'll get constipated again. Then you have to take a remedy for that as well. And that leads to teary eyes. Come on, that's how you keep going and one thing leads to another.
All in all a completely different life, which I suspect I will never get used to. It means that you spend an incredible amount of time for and with yourself and I don't like that very much.
But all this is really just peanuts compared to the effects of the chemical mess your body has to deal with every three weeks. On the one hand, we are grateful that 'that mess' has reduced the tumor in the lungs by half and made the metastases inactive. That was good to hear. But the other side is that it has affected your general condition and sense of well-being over the past few months. We had expected that a 'maintenance course' would have fewer negative effects than the first four 'normal' courses, but that turned out not to be entirely true. It was 'more violent' than we had anticipated.
You then wonder how long the body can manage to process such a dose of poison each time. A question to which no one knows the answer, any more than to the question of what would happen if you had to stop taking the cures.
It has happened to me several times in the past months, that the body 'behaved' in such a way that I wondered how to proceed. Extremely painful and with no prospect of a solution. As if the body stops and says to you: 'I'll stop, take care of it yourself.' Then you get a small insight into 'real' suffering and 'that does something to you'.
A safe fortress
In a situation of great powerlessness, where it seems that you are seized by powers that are infinitely stronger than you, we as believers have a great certainty. The Lord Himself is there and He is for us'a safe fortress'.
It is a wonder that even in such situations that consciousness does not disappear, indeed is even stronger than ever before. He is there, He sees and knows everything and I hide in Him; nothing can happen to me. That certainty that no power in the world can harm you is a wonderful blessing.
In Psalm 59, a situation arises where David knows that his life is at stake. But the Lord is a safe fortress to him. That awareness makes singing the result.
For You have been a safe fortress to me, a refuge in the days when fear oppressed me.
(Psalm 59:17, 18)
To you, my strength, I will sing psalms,
for God is my stronghold, my merciful God
Stage for special blessing
In the life of the believer, weakness and strength go hand in hand. Our weakness and God's strength. Even and perhaps especially when we ourselves are nothing (anymore).
Corine Daane, who knows these things from experience, writes the following in the February issue of Het Searchlicht.
“But what if the Lord, in His wise and trustworthy goodness, decides not to take you Home yet and leads you in the way of long suffering? Is the best option then to make the best of it with God's help? Does Suffering Mean a Plan B Life?
'But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore will I rather rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I delight in infirmities: in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'
2 Corinthians 12: 9.10
This testimony of Paul, along with so many other scriptures from the Bible, is the ground on which I want to stand. I believe that suffering joyfully, being joyfully sad, dying alive, losing winning, is possible! Do I allow someone to suffer? Do I want it myself? No. But if the Lord does lead it that way, then I look for God's power, for His blessing especially for people who suffer. We can boast in inability, in vulnerability and weakness because we have Christ and He wants to reveal Himself to you and the people around you in that difficult context! There is a blessing, a revelation of Who Christ is, that can only be seen through suffering. And so suffering, in all its ugliness and pain, can become a stage for special blessing!'
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Thank you, Teun, for this 'footstep'. It shows how you process things and that it is right, yes, very necessary that we pray for you. We also want to give thanks that the 'pressing of the milk brings forth butter' and you share that with all of us (Prov.30:33).
I hope the Lord grant that you will keep up these spicy spiritual exercises of utter weakness and wretchedness. May you also notice what this sister wrote:
“…There is a blessing, a revelation of Who Christ is, that can only be seen through suffering. And so suffering, in all its ugliness and pain, can become a stage for special blessing!'
Spiritual strength in all your weak-feeling!
Also Trudy, who almost literally feels and experiences this – wishing you lots of strength and grace for every day!
Teun, wish you strength with the treatment and its consequences. Father always said: I'm busy with myself. We hope for more better days than bad ones. Warm regards, also from Jaap and also to Trudy.
Dear Teun (and also Trudy), Very nice what you write about – briefly summarized in my words – God's strength in our weakness, in this case concretely in your “weakness”. Also very illustrative what Corine Daane writes in the Searchlight. And then God Himself as a secure stronghold (Psalm 59)! It is also nice that the steadfastness of the Word provides something to hold on to, while there is so much that the Bible tries to undermine, as you let in your last two messages of January and February. Rightly so: “Hold on to what you have”!
In the near future I hope, if it is possible for you, to have more extensive contact with you by telephone. Kind regards, also on behalf of Mariet, Wiebo.